The Wisdom Behind Fear
Fears, big and small, are so deeply ingrained in and so forcefully (or subtly) rule so many aspects of our life. The things we do out of fear!
Fear holds us back or even paralyses us, but it doesn't give us more information about the likelihood or the riskiness of the situation that is causing it; it just tells us a story about our self-limiting beliefs. Like everything else inside of us, it can teach us a great deal, and we can use the learning to grow beyond our self-limitations.
In this article, I'd like to share some powerful tools we can use to understand and learn from our fears, and grow beyond our self-imposed obstacles.
The things we do (or don't do) out of fear
What is fear to you?
Recognising and allowing fear
Learning about your self-limiting beliefs
What you can do about it - Self-expanding beliefs
Keep your journal handy, you're going to need it.
1. The things we do (or don't do) out of fear
What would life without fear look like? Fears, big and small, are so deeply ingrained in and so forcefully (or subtly) rule every aspect of our life that, most probably, we wouldn't be able to recognise it without them. To be honest, we wouldn't be able to recognise ourselves, because our fears define us.
What do you do (or not do) out of fear?
Take a moment to answer that question before you go ahead reading. Write down at least five things that you do (or don't do) in your everyday life out of fear.
We may keep a job out of fear even if it doesn't fulfil us; for fear, we may talk too much at a meeting, or the reverse - not talk at all; we may write an email based on the fear that we may lose our client, or that we may upset our boss. We may say or do something nice for fear of being rejected by someone; or the opposite - we may not go talk to that person we really fancy at the bar for fear of rejection. We may decide not to invest in a relationship for fear of being hurt; or we may not trust a friend for fear of suffering. We may review, reassess and reconsider our work a thousand times for fear of it not being perfect; we may curtail our creativity for fear of making a mistake. Etc.
We even go against our values for fear of displeasing others.
So, what do you do (or not do) out of fear? If you haven't written down your five things you do (or don't do) out of fear yet, do it now. You'll need them later.
2. What's fear to you?
We experience fear in different ways.
Some get physically paralysed. Some mentally, their minds going blank. Some, on the contrary, get hijacked by the voice in their heads firing off all possible disaster stories. Some get completely quiet; some can't stop talking. Some tremble and feel their legs lose strength; some feel it more in their arms. Many experience an accelerated heartbeat and faster, more shallow breathing.
What do you experience when you think of or feel fear? Write it down in your journal.
Answering this question is important because being able to recognise fear among the many thoughts and emotions we experience every day is the first step towards a healthy approach to it.
If we're not able to recognise fear next time it comes, we'll just reject or be overwhelmed by it. Either approach won't help us process, understand and learn from our fears.
Many of us associate some vivid images or words with the feeling of fear. Some see different types of monsters, fire or some sort of destruction. Some see alert signs or flashing words like "danger", "run", "stop" or even "death".
Watch this sweet, animated short film, "Fears" - by Nata Metlukh, giving a lovely, graphic representation of how we carry our fears.
What images or words do you see when you think of or feel fear?
If you want to investigate a bit more into how you experience fear, consider doing this exercise. It can get very emotional, so read the instructions carefully first. Find a quiet place, sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes and start taking very fast, frequent, shallow breaths. In the meantime, try evoking the feeling of fear. You can do it by simply summoning fear or engaging with thoughts or images that you associate with fear. Make sure you don't go into hyperventilation: fifteen seconds or less will be sufficient for you to have a brief, yet vivid experience of fear.
Go back to your normal, deeper breathing, and now draw what fear looks like to you or write down the words it means to you.
This is my own drawing of fear. My worst fear is the impossibility to move about, express myself, interact with others.
3. Recognising and allowing fear
When we're overwhelmed by it, fear occupies the whole workspace of our consciousness.
I like to think of our consciousness as a whiteboard: there's only so much we can draw/write on a whiteboard. That's the same for our consciousness: there's only so much we can be aware of at the same time... a lot less than all the things that are happening to/inside us at the same time.
When we're engulfed by it, fear has saturated the whole space of the whiteboard. So much so that we don't even realise we're being swamped: there's no space left on our consciousness whiteboard for us to even notice what is happening: fear is happening and we're reacting in autopilot.
Familiarising ourselves with how we experience the emotion of fear - the physical sensations we feel in our body, the images and thoughts that fill up our head - allows us to recognise it when it comes. Three actions we can take the moment we notice fear are:
Deepen and slow our breathing,
Write down what it is that we're fearing, and
Give ourselves permission to feel the fear.
The first two help free up some space on our consciousness whiteboard. From there, we can now realise what is happening to us and take action.
As to giving ourselves permission to feel the fear, very often, our typical reaction to a negative emotion like fear is resistance. We don't want to feel it. Funnily enough, we're afraid of our own fear! We don't know how to handle it. We're paralysed. We're uncomfortable talking about it with others. We can even get to the point of detesting ourselves for feeling fear.
Resisting an emotion will, at best, keep it stuck inside you and, at worst, magnify it. Either way, it won't make it go away. If this is your case, try changing your perspective.
It's OK to feel fear. We're in the middle of a global pandemic unprecedented in our lifetime. Our routines have been upended. Our basic needs of health and security are in danger. But even in more ordinary times, fear comes prompted by some situation and the beliefs we hold around it. So it's important to acknowledge that there's a tricky situation ahead of us and that we hold certain beliefs around it.
Acknowledge your fear. Accept it. Give yourself a big, understanding, comforting hug. Tell yourself that it's OK to feel fear.
If you find it difficult to do, go to a quiet place nearby (even your bathroom, if you're locked down at home with your family), breathe deeply and give yourself that big, understanding, comforting hug. Acknowledge and accept the fear. Tell yourself that it's OK to feel it. By doing so, you're unsticking your fear and you're letting it travel through you.
What you're actually doing is you're turning that space you've just freed up on your consciousness whiteboard into a place acceptance and inner wisdom. From there, you can observe your fear, learn and take action.
4. Learning about your self-limiting beliefs
Our fears tell us stories, stories about something negative, if not catastrophic, that could (or could not) happen in the future. But the stories are really not about the future events, they're about our self-limiting beliefs. Let me explain.
While undesirable events can always happen, that doesn't mean that we always live in fear of them. For example, we may not wish to lose a client, but we don't necessarily write our emails to them in fear. Obviously, we don't wish to be rejected by the good-looking guy at the bar, but we don't necessarily start the conversation with him worried about it. Nobody likes to see their trust deceived, but not everybody lives in the suspicion of betrayal. When we cross the street, we all look out for approaching vehicles, but most of us don't experience any fear in that moment: we just look out because we know that's the way to handle the risks connected to crossing the street.
So, the emotion of fear is not in the potentially negative event but inside us and, specifically, in our self-limiting beliefs. Similarly,
When we have some fear, the appropriate question to ask ourselves is never, how do I know if my fear is right or wrong?
We ask that question to inquire whether the event that we fear is going to happen or not, but that's not the point of fear. The event is in the future and is equally likely or unlikely whether we feel fear for it or not.
So, while the undesirable event may or may not happen (and, in most cases, we need to do something about it, whether we feel fear or not), the fear about it tells us a story not about the event, but about our self-limiting beliefs around the event.
When we have some fear, the appropriate question to ask is always, what's the self-limiting belief behind my fear?
That's where we need to focus our attention. If we shift our attitude towards fear this way, we can actually learn a great deal about ourselves and our self-limiting beliefs, and take action.
5. What you can do about it - Self-expanding beliefs
Here are a few examples that can help clarify the point... and what we can do about it.
FEAR OF LOSING YOUR JOB. When I'm afraid of losing my job, the fear is telling me something beyond the actual risk of my position. There may be some real threat to my job and I do need to attend to it (like I do need to look out for approaching vehicles when I cross the street), but my fear comes not from the threat but from some self-limiting belief. For instance, I may believe that my ego would get hurt. In this case, the areas where I may need to work on myself are my sense of self-worth, the need for external validation or the need for social status. Another possible self-limiting belief could be that I won't be able to find another job at least as good. In that case, then I can ask myself what that belief is based on.
Did I have problems finding jobs in the past? If yes, how did I solve them? If no, then why do I believe I won't find another one in the future?
Do I lack essential skills for a future job? If so, can I think of a plan to acquire them either now or when/if needed?
Do I have enough savings for the time realistically needed to find another job? Can I save up more now? Can I think of a back-up plan should things get bad?
Questioning myself this way will help me put my self-limiting beliefs in a very different perspective and grow beyond them.
FEAR OF TRUSTING PEOPLE. If I'm afraid of trusting people, my self-limiting belief could be that, when someone deceives me, I feel less worthy. That person has "made a fool of me." Here are some observations that can help me handle that belief:
I'm not in control of other people's behaviours and their values.
Other people's disappointing behaviours speak about them, not me.
My worth doesn't depend on other people, just on myself.
FEAR OF SPEAKING IN PUBLIC. Speaking in public can be a terrifying experience for many reasons. A possible self-limiting belief could be that my speech has to be spotless and I don't allow myself to make any mistakes. Here are some realisations that can help me:
Even if I make a mistake, I'm still providing value to the audience.
Should they laugh at something I said, they're laughing at those words, not at me.
Mistakes are part of the creative process. I can accept them with humbleness and curiosity for all the things I can still learn in my life.
YOUR OWN FEARS - EXERCISE. Now, pick one of the five things you do (or don't do) in your everyday life out of fear; one of those five things you wrote down in your journal in the first exercise.
Write down what it is that you fear.
Investigate what self-limiting belief lies behind your fear. This could require some effort. Conversations with a confidant or a coach can also help.
Challenge your belief with questions, facts, observations and/or actions you can take to expand beyond those self-limitations.
Find an alternative, self-expanding belief that you can live by and allows you to grow beyond your fear. Test it in your life. Live by it and see what happens, both in yourself and in those around you.
To conclude, fear doesn't give us more information about the likelihood or the riskiness of the situation that is causing it; it just tells us a story about our self-limiting beliefs. Understanding the self-limiting beliefs behind our fears is not always straightforward but that is the area where we need to focus if we want to grow beyond our self-limitations.
So, a question you can ask yourself now is:
Your answer to this question can change your life. It did change mine.
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