Rise above Complaining and Blaming
How much time and energy do you spend complaining?
We complain about so many things: the Government, people around us, our boss, our colleagues, our clients, public transport, our parents, our children, our partner, and even the weather. And then complaining easily turns into blaming.
We blame our boss for not allowing us to express our skills and talents; our team (or our partner) for never listening; politics for the poor state we’re living in; people for being stupid; our parents for never supporting our decisions; etc. And, of course, we can also blame ourselves… We hardly miss an opportunity to tell ourselves that we’re not good enough.
Now, this blog is not about beating ourselves up if we ever complain about something. Complaining and blaming have a social role. They can help us let off some steam, create rapport with others, they can also lead to us receiving helpful suggestions.
But they can also become an escape, a coping mechanism that gives us temporary relief but keeps us trapped in our distressing situations.
But it doesn't have to be that way. We can empower ourselves. We can accept what we cannot change and focus on what we can do.
Take, for example, a toxic boss. Complaining to others won't change the situation. Instead, ask yourself: “What is my ability to respond?” Can you have a constructive conversation, confront them, or report them to HR? Can you quit? If there are reasons why you can't do anything (else), accept the situation and move on. Acceptance is liberation.
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And there are more of these escaping mechanisms: endlessly worrying about the future or feeling guilty about the past, for example.
I can easily get stuck on a guilt trip that can potentially last my whole life for having turned down a certain job offer, for having terminated (or started) a love relationship, for giving up a musical instrument when I was younger, or for having said or done something I now regret.
So, how can I empower myself, especially when there’s so much going on and so many people around me over which I have hardly any control?
It’s about not letting dysfunctional patterns like complaints, blame, guilt and worry become my default tools to handle a distressing situation.
It’s about accepting where I am, what has happened and is happening around me, all the things I don’t have control over (like, the vast majority!) and then bringing the power back to me and deciding what I can do about it.
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A very useful Wise Humanity concept that comes to mind here is that of responsibility. We also talk about it in another blog, Oops, What Did I Just Do? At Wise Humanity, we like to think of responsibility as our ability to respond. In this sense, it’s a super powerful tool that helps me realise what is in my power to do to address an upsetting situation in this moment, in the now.
If I can’t do anything about it, then it’s a matter of profound acceptance and moving on. And if I can do something about it, then it’s a matter of doing it. But if I get stuck in complaining, blaming, going on guilt trip or worrying, that’s what I am: stuck.
Think of the example of the toxic boss above. In the traditional sense of the word, you may think that you have no responsibility over them. You haven’t chosen your boss and aren’t responsible for them being a jerk. But change the way you use that word and ask yourself:
What is your ability to respond?
Even when you feel you’ve run out of things you could do, deep acceptance is still an option. And there could be many good reasons: career, the bills to pay, your boss is a jerk but there’s still so much you can learn from them, etc. If that’s the case, then embrace that reason and move on!
Don't let yourself drown in a river of dysfunctional escapism… hours, months or even years trading stories with your colleagues about how bad your boss is or about the outrageous things he/she does. Apart from the temporary relief, you get stuck there for years.
Stop the flow by recognising your ability to respond in the present moment.
We can always find a more empowering alternative framework of reality that allows us to drop the dysfunctional patterns of complaints, blame, guilt or worry. We always have a choice.
So, if you find yourself stuck in any of those habits, it's time to change course. Ask yourself: “What is my ability to respond now?” And then, act on your response.
And if you’d like some help unsticking yourself, get in touch with us.
