Tackling Anxiety with Emotional Hygiene
Jackson:
Hello everyone. Welcome to the GOSH (Global University Systems’ On Staff Happiness) Mental Health Awareness Week Guest Speaker Event. Today we'll be looking at a couple of practices to handle anxiety and other challenging emotions. We're joined by David Pagnotta, who is the co-founder of Wise Humanity. Wise Humanity is an organization dedicated to helping people unlock their inner resources, break through self-limiting beliefs, and live authentic, fulfilling lives for themselves and society as a whole. Davide, very warm welcome. I said David instead of Davide.
Davide:
No worries.
Jackson:
You can see my anxiety's already kicking in right before the talk. Very warm welcome. We are thrilled to have you here. Do send questions for Davide in the chat box. And Davide, the floor is all yours.
Davide:
Thank you very much, Jackson. Let's talk about anxiety. When we were talking about this mental health week, and its focus on anxiety, we were thinking, What could be a good title? And I thought of emotional hygiene because… if you feel that you are unprepared to handle your emotions, if you feel like there's a storm in your head, in your heart, you don't know what to do, and it's haunting you daily, or at night as well, and you feel like you don't have enough tools to deal with it, don't panic because nobody does.
Jackson:
This is good to know.
Davide:
Nobody does. One big limitation particularly of the Western society is that when we’re little, they teach us how to, you know, if we scratch our leg or something, they teach us how to put a band-aid on it. And when we’re little, they also teach us how to take care of our teeth with dental hygiene. And, that way maybe, for the greater part of our lives, we won't need a dentist. But nobody teaches us how to handle our inner world…
Jackson:
So true.
Davide:
… the thoughts in our heads, like uncontrolled, uncontrollable thoughts in our head and our emotions. So that's why I like to call it emotional hygiene. There's so much that we can learn and so much that we can do to take care of our emotional wellbeing so that maybe we'll never break down and we'll never need a therapist, like we may never need a dentist. So, today I'd like to talk about some simple but very effective tools that we can use to tackle anxiety. Basically, I've devoted my life to this kind of education because nobody teaches us these things. Originally, I'm a physicist and I worked for 20 years for corporations in different engineering sectors. And then I found these tools and I thought, “Wow, they are changing my life for the better.” And I want to be like a tool of the universe to spread them.
Jackson:
To help
Davide:
To help others, like these concepts and practices have helped me. So, like seven years ago, I left my corporate career and started doing what I do now. The very first tool that I’d like to talk about is, you might have heard about it before, is acceptance. Now, if you feel anxiety in whatever shape or form it's coming – typically, for the present it might be stress for some situation that you're going through; for the future it might be fear of something that might or might not happen; and for the past it might be regret for something that you wish you had done or you wish you hadn't done in the past. And all these different situations in our life create anxiety. So, first thing, accept it, don't block it, don't deny it, don't ignore it. Which is what we've actually been taught to do.
Jackson:
The natural instinct is to block it immediately, isn't it? I don't want these negative feelings. I don't want to feel bad… so trying to block it so hard.
Davide:
I would say it's more than natural. It's what they've told us to do.
Jackson:
Exactly.
Davide:
I mean, how many times have you heard someone say to you or say to someone else to man up.
Jackson:
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Davide:
Which is like the opposite of what we should do. We should man down. So, first of all, [this anxiety] is happening to you.
Accept it.
And if you don't accept it, if you try to block it or ignore it, at best it will just stay, at worst the never-ending voice in your head will make it bigger. So, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with the tools you have. You're going through a situation in your life, professional or personal life, that is generating this anxiety inside you. It's okay. Remind yourself that, over the years, your brain has gone through different experiences, has developed different tools, and you're doing the best you can now with those tools. So even physically, if you want, give yourself like a physical hug, or a metaphorical one, whatever, but accept that [anxiety]. Now, from the scientific point of view, what is happening is that you’re releasing oxytocin during that hug, during that moment of acceptance. From the spiritual perspective, what you're doing is you're actually creating a space of wisdom and empathy inside you from which you can observe what you are going through and from which you can help yourself.
Jackson:
So instead of running away from it, instead of blocking it, you're facing it basically. And it's helping, essentially.
Davide:
Yes face it, but without antagonism: I'm doing the best I can with the tools I have. At Wise Humanity, we call this concept radical empathy. Even more famous people like Brene’ Brown recently accepted and embraced this radical empathy idea and there are studies now showing that it's an approach that helps you have a more productive, creative, and effective attitude to whatever is happening in your life in that moment. And it puts you in the present moment. And this is also another very important concept:
the present moment is the moment where you have power.
There's nothing you can do in the past. There's nothing you can do in the future until it becomes present. So, acceptance and telling yourself, “Okay, I'm going through this, these are the tools I have. My body is reacting in this way, my mind is reacting in this way. That's okay. I'm going to handle this”… this puts you in the present. It empowers you.
And from this place, you can take action and your emotions can flow. For example, anxiety is not necessarily always negative. Like in this moment, for example, I feel a bit anxious. This morning when I was walking here…
Jackson:
I can second that. You can see the sweat dripping everywhere.
Davide:
You know, a little adrenaline is fine. Your brain is telling your body, “Rise to the challenge.” And, it keeps you awake and present, again, responsive. A little anxiety may not necessarily be something negative all the time. But you only realise that the moment you accept it. Because if you try to block it or ignore it, then you're just in this fight between your mind and something that is actually already happening.
Jackson:
That's true. It’s just a struggle.
Davide:
A practical tool that I'd like to share with you now about acceptance is one that I learned many years ago when I went through my first personal growth course 15 years ago when I was doing an Executive MBA at London Business School. One of the courses that used to be available back then was about leadership and personal growth but it was mostly based on Eastern philosophies, so it was very different. And, like a couple of years later, I realised, ”Oh my god, these tools are helping me a lot.” So it's one of these tools that I’d like to share in the form that I learned back then from the professor that used to teach that course. It's also based on a neuroscientific mechanism of our brain:
when something bad happens to you, the badness is not in the event. Our body, our mind, ourselves, we start suffering from it not the moment it happens, but the moment we label it bad.
Jackson:
Makes sense. Yeah.
Davide:
And it makes sense, of course. Cos, [for example] we’re both stuck on the tube and we are late, we’re colleagues going to the same meeting and we will react in different ways because the label that we will stick to that event will be different.
Jackson:
Absolutely.
Davide:
So the badness is actually in the label and not in the event. Events are neutral. This tool that I'm talking about goes beyond the think positive or look at the bright side typical advice that you receive.
Jackson:
There's always this: look at the silver lining!
Davide:
Exactly, look at the silver lining. I don’t know about you, but if a good friend tells me, “Oh, look at the silver lining”, or, “Oh, you'll be fine”, I mean, I'm sure my friend is coming from really good intentions, but how much does that really help me? And if someone tells me, “Look at the silver lining, but don't look at the grey cloud”, the first thing I do is I think of the grey cloud.
Jackson:
Of course, yeah.
Davide:
Don't push that button.
Jackson:
That's exactly where the thoughts go, isn't it? The thing that you shouldn't be looking at or thinking of. The mind goes there immediately.
Davide:
So, how can I embrace this concept that facts are neutral and that I shouldn't hurry into labelling them as negative, which would then trigger my suffering, my anxiety and my stress? I'll tell you a little story from Eastern tradition. There are many versions of this story; I'll use the one that I learned 15 years ago.
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels
Let's go back to the Middle Ages, there's this farmer in a village, and he wants to change his life. He wants to invest in… he has a bit of land, he wants to improve his farming, and he borrows money from all the neighbours. And he buys a stallion that will help him in farming. And then that night there's a big storm, the stallion gets scared and manages to run away from the stable. And the next day all the neighbours go to the farmer and say, “Oh, look at you, you wanted to change your life. Your stallion now's gone and you’re destitute, you still owe us money.” And he shrugs his shoulders and says, “Good thing, bad thing, who knows?” He then goes for a walk in the woods to recollect his thoughts and bumps into his stallion that is actually eating grass together with another nine horses, wild horses. So, he catches them all, brings them back to the farm, builds a stronger stable and, by all standards, now he's a rich man with 10 horses. So all the neighbours go to the farmer and say, “Oh, look at you. We thought you were destitute, but now you're so rich and you're going to change your life and it will be great.” And the farmer shrugs his shoulders and says, “Good thing, bad thing who knows?” Then the next day, the farmer and his son are taming the horses, the son falls off a horse and breaks a leg and the leg heals crooked. And all the neighbours go to the farmer and say, “Oh, look at you, you had such a fine son. And now his leg is crooked, he won't be able to help you at work. He won't find a good spouse. Poor you.” And the farmer shrugs his shoulders and says, “Good thing, bad thing, who knows?”
Jackson:
It's amazing how calm he remains.
Davide:
Yes, and then the next day – things happen fast – the next day, the king of that kingdom declares war on a neighbouring kingdom, and all the youths need to go to war, except the son of the farmer because he has a crooked leg.
So all the neighbours go to the farmer and say, “Oh, how lucky you are. Our sons went to war. We don't know if we'll ever see them again. But your son is here with you.” And the farmer shrugs his shoulders and says, “Good thing, bad thing, who knows?”
And the story goes on forever, but the point is: we really don't know – whatever undesirable situation has happened in your life today – we really don't know what this will trigger, what will happen next. So, go beyond “think positive”: facts are indifferent. They happen. And you don't know what will happen next. So don't rush into labelling something bad, which will trigger your suffering. Say: good thing, bad thing, who knows?
This happens when you lose your job, or when, you know, there was a project you were so passionate about and it gets rejected, or you didn't get a promotion, you broke up with your partner, or you had a really bad fight with someone in your family, a loved one. And yes, that was and is an undesirable situation, but don't let the stress about it, the suffering about it get you stuck in that situation. Think of what is a possible chain of events – you know, like with the farmer – what is a possible chain of events that will take me out of this situation – I don’t know about the future, but what is a feasible chain of events that will take me out of this situation to an even better place? And what is the first thing that I can do to set that chain of events in motion? And then go out and do it!
So, this is a really powerful tool that puts together acceptance and also unsticking yourself from whatever situation you feel stuck in. Sometimes anxiety, fear, they paralyse us. And we end up spending a lot of time in our head and we don't know what to do. And this simple too really can get us out of this stuck situation.
Jackson:
Sounds amazing. I wish I had the calmness and the coolness of the farmer in those situations. But I'll take this on board. I've learned something new today. The story is also amazing. I mean, it's just like you said: it could be bad in that moment, but literally there will be a turn of events and it could be for the better.
Davide:
You know, you lose your job and of course that moment is unsettling. Of course. Accept that. Give yourself permission to be unsettled. It's okay, it's happening. You're using your best tools to go through that moment. But then you may end up finding a much better position, or you may end up finding a much better partner. I have stories about that from my personal life and I'm sure it happens to most people.
Jacskon:
Absolutely. I think a lot of times people also fail to recognise that those things happen. Like, sometimes people are so stuck up on the negative events that just the hurt kind of blinds everything else that happens. So good things might be happening later on, but they still think about those bad events and think that was horrible. Instead of thinking those happened and now I'm here because of those events.
Davide:
The first time I lost my job, while I was working for different corporations, there was a massive restructuring and I lost my job. It was the very first time in my life that I found myself without a job, it's more than 10 years ago now, and I didn't react well. I panicked. I also remember that summer was amazing in London, one of the rare ones, and I didn't enjoy it because I was so stressed. And I was doing all the right things: I was looking for another job; going to interviews; doing networking events. I was doing all the right things, but I was putting so much unnecessary pressure on myself. And then I realised: I'm really doing the right things and I'll find another job when it happens, but I can't do more than this. I'm actually making my life miserable. And probably I wasn't even helping myself in the interviews with that attitude. And then I calmed down and I had a good time, I booked holidays, and then I found a job and I was much happier than in the previous position. So, of course that is an undesirable situation – I'm not denying that. But don't put all that misery on yourself. It's the labelling that starts our suffering.
Photo by Kat Smith on Pexels
So, this was about the present. Well, just two more quick tools. I won't go through a long story, but just two tools, one about the future and one about the past. The one about the future: fears. Fears make us anxious. We do so many things out of fear or don't do many things out of fear. Even just when we write an email, oftentimes we write it with fear about the reaction that we will trigger. Or if we want to achieve something, whatever project at work, we often are led by the fear of not achieving it. And we do or not do things, and fear often holds us back. So, a powerful question that you can ask yourself is,
What would I do if I had no fear?
Jackson:
That’s a good one. That's a really good one.
Davide:
Because the fear itself doesn't give me any additional information about the likelihood of that event happening or not, the event that I'm fearing to happen or not.
Jackson:
It might all just be also taking place in your head, isn't it? There's a chance it might not take place.
Davide:
And what [my fear] says is it tells me something about a self-limiting belief that I have that I will not be able to handle the consequences or that I'm actually blowing the consequences out of proportion. So, a powerful question is, “What would I do if I had no fear?” And then I'm not advocating you go and do it, but just by asking that question a complete new world enters the realm of your possibilities.
Jackson:
A totally different perspective.
Davide:
And again, going back to what I said at the very beginning, it creates in your mind, in your consciousness a place of wisdom where you can observe what is happening to you, with more wisdom and empathy. And the decisions that you make from there are always more effective. Cuz they're based on a more peaceful you.
Jackson:
Absolutely.
Davide:
And [finally] one tool about the past… Oftentimes we are overwhelmed by a sense of responsibility and regret often for something we wish we'd done differently. And how many times have you replayed in your head…
Jackson:
God, yes.
Davide:
… a conversation that you had. And you think, “Oh, I should have done or said that. I shouldn't have said that. Or I should have said that.”
Jackson:
It’s living in your head.
Davide:
And sometimes we get to the point where we say, “My whole life would've changed if I hadn't done that.” So, the concept that I’d like to bring up now is that of responsibility but in the core meaning of that word: ability to respond. Regret or sense of guilt keep us stuck in the past. We were responsible for what we did or we didn't do, that's fine, but there's nothing we can do in the past anymore, so what is my ability to respond today?
Jackson:
That's a good one.
Davide:
I take full responsibility, actually, I'm taking more responsibility this way than by spending hours replaying past events in my head and not doing anything, or just beating myself up but not doing anything, stuck in that regret or in that guilt.
What is my ability to respond now?
I bring back all the power to the present and I take full responsibility for it and I act. And I let go of the past, not because I don't take responsibility but just because I stopped letting it hold me back.
Jackson:
That's a really good one too. Some really powerful tools there that you have shared with us today. Shall we take a look at some of the questions?
Davide:
Yes absolutely.
Q&A
Jackson:
We have one question here. Is anxiety medication just a placebo or does it actually help?
Davide:
So, I'm not a doctor. This is more on a personal level – I'm in favour of medications if, at the same time, you're also working on your emotional hygiene tools. So, you are also working on growing and expanding your toolkit. We go through life with our toolkit. At Wise Humanity we call them mental maps but, you know, I'm sure you heard about the power of narratives. Now we create stories in our head of how the world works, who I am, who the people around me are, how they should behave, how I should behave, et cetera, and how I judge everything. We use these mental maps and, whenever we are going through a situation that is troubling us and we seem not to have the tools to handle it, it means that one of our mental maps is not helping us. So, we need to work on that. We need to work on changing our toolkit. And, in general, if there's some difficult situation you're going through and the doctors prescribe a medication to you, take it, but at the same time don't think that that is the only thing you can do.
Jackson:
Are there any coping methods you can recommend to deal with anxiety? Are there any tips you can provide managers to support team members dealing with anxiety, to be more specific?
Davide:
Well, the one about acceptance I think is important. We work a lot with companies as well and we teach everyone tools to accept themselves, but exactly the same concepts actually help me accept other people, other people's emotions, other people's struggles. So, if I'm your boss, I can understand that you're going through this moment and I understand that you're doing the best you can with the tools you have. So I can give you permission to take a little moment and feel safe. I'll give you permission to go and create a moment where you feel safe, where you can give yourself a physical or metaphorical hug, relax and pause for a moment. It's fine that you're going through what you're going through.
Jackson:
So that understanding between the managers and the employees, that itself creates a level of safe space.
Davide:
Yes, you know, it's acceptance of our humanity. And in the office, many times we end up just performing actions or roles, but the human underneath is fundamental. And the more AI or technology progresses, the more important the human part is.
Jackson:
Of course, absolutely. How can you successfully identify fear and what can we do to work through our fears?
Davide:
Okay. I'll give you a bit of an extreme tool.
Jackson:
Let's go for it.
Davide:
There is a model of emotions where there are like more than a hundred emotions in us humans. We can recognise more than a hundred emotions in our body. There's another model that only has two: love and fear. So, how can you recognise fear? Ask yourself if, whatever you're doing, like a conversation with a dear one, an email, a conversation with a colleague, are you doing it out of fear or out of love? It takes some practice if you're not used to this model, but you can always see which one of the two things is more prevalent. Are you doing it out of expansion and growth, or are you doing it out of survival and protection? So, you can always recognise if there's some fear in whatever you're doing. And if there's some fear, what is the self-limiting belief about myself that I have in this moment? What is an alternative empowering belief that I can embrace? What would I do if I had no fear? And how would I do it?
Jackson:
That's a really good one. We’re slowly coming to an end with our time. Davide, thank you so much for sharing your expertise and insights with us. It's been such a pleasure to have you here.
Davide:
Thank you very much, Jackson. I hope this was helpful.
Jackson:
This was absolutely amazing. Absolutely. We hope we can welcome you back again for more insights, for more tips. To all our attendees, to find out more about Wise Humanity check out the various workshops, courses, bootcamps and coaching available. Have a look at www.wisehumanity.org. Is there anything else you would like to add? Like if they need any help, if they need any practical tips, where can they contact you? Is it just through the website?
Davide:
We publish blogs and vlogs as well. So there are a lot of great tools there. We call it our toolkit. You can subscribe to it and also get in touch through the website. There's an info@wisehumanity.org email address that we always reply to.
Jackson:
And you also do bootcamps for companies, but you also do one-on-one coaching for private.
Davide:
We do one-on-one coaching, we do programs for individuals that we put together in cohorts, we work with companies and, recently I started teaching at university as well. It's not one of your institutions.
Jackson:
Not yet. Hopefully.
Davide:
Ravensbourne. This year I've already run two courses there.
Jackson:
Amazing. Davide, thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure to have you.
Davide:
Thank you, Jackson.
Jackson:
Thank you everyone for attending and see you soon. Goodbye.
